facing death before the Equinox

At the threshold of the Spring Equinox, the world is buzzing with potential, and my heart is heavy with heartbreak. Still in the wake of the loss of my mother, the scent of the cherry blossoms reminds me of the plum trees that flowered in front of my childhood home, and I imagine my mother as a teenager, collecting blossoms and gossiping with her friends. Every moment is laced with threads that tangle me back into a web of grief. My life is in transition. Witnessing death opened up infinite doorways into the ways of living. How I show up for myself and the web of interrelations has been altered.

At my mother’s memorial one of her colleagues and friends came up to me and said, “this is the start of a whole new life, a life without her, a life of new relationships with people you thought you already knew.”

As I meet myself again in the Spring of 2025 I am aware of the simple streams of magic and spirit that sustain me. The Star of Bethlehem essence easing my trauma responses and Borage essence protecting my sacred intentions. My daily tarot card readings which ground my wishes and frame my blessings (today, the 3 of Wands.) These practices gather the edges of my psyche, and hold them in artful concert with my daily experience, rooting me into a system of meaningful connection that allows me to make sense of the heartache and everything else.

Over a pot of herbal tea, I unzipped my emotional baggage with a dear friend who had also lost a parent to cancer. “Being so close to death lets you see through the bullshit” she said.

By the end of 2024 I was running on empty. I had overworked myself while doing my best to mother my (now) 20 month old son, while being a caregiver for my mother battling her second stage four cancer diagnosis in 18 months. My cups were being poured all over the place, and I was never able to fully resource myself. Once my mother entered hospice, the message to take a big step back from my work rang through loud and clear. I gained new clarity about what was nourishing in my work, and what was ultimately draining. The truth is, sometimes we want something to be successful so fiercely that we ignore the signs of failure. When faced with imminent death, we are forced to restructure and recognize what truly matters, and what can be put to the side, or let go of entirely.

Many of us are feeling similarly at this juncture in our cosmic parade. The collapse of government systems, of the climate we thrive in, and the insecurities we feel in ourselves and communities is looming – loudly. What is actually nourishing you and sustaining you at this moment? And what is distracting you from the grief and suffering you might experience should you be honest with yourself about the current collective circumstances? It is now time to face the problems, even when we don’t have the answers, even if we don’t know how to respond — yet.

Hedge Spells began as a space to share my musings on witchcraft and enchantment, but now I know that witchcraft and enchantment are the colors I paint with, the spells I weave into my words, and will be ever present in my work no matter where I’m sharing. Hedge Spells is space for me to explore my practical experience of living witchcraft, the messy nature of doing so in our modern context. I’m here to remind you that witchcraft is a spiritual practice and path that honors Earth’s cyclical nature, which means it honors death. Together, may we create space to honestly face and integrate what is ending so that we may turn towards what is life-giving soul-food.

As we turn towards the next station on the Wheel of the Year, Spring Equinox, we conjure up the wise maiden and Queen of the underworld, Persephone. She who is both bringer of Spring and shepherd of Winter. She who plays an integral role as psychopomp and harbinger of new life. When we are facing the renewal of Spring, we do so with reverence for what has been lost during the darker months.

If you feel called, please comment and share what you are letting go of as we near the Spring Equinox, so that you might get closer to being more present with what is most alive for you at this precious moment.

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